Ally is Me

MOOD: miss him

Why still missing?
Yesturday morning, I dreamt of me embracing into his arm. But when I wake up, I found that it was just a dream. I cried. How I wish I still can feel his warmth again.

Upon waking up, he called me. Without any delay, I picked up. He wanted to know how I'm doing. I wanted to tell but I didn’t. My mouth couldn’t speak what my mind was thinking. Then we hang up. I cried again. I miss him so much! My heart so pain. So pain. I lied on my bed crying.

Then, I posted Goodbye, my almost lover…. I thought it can let me forget the pain but it did not. I can’t let go. I can’t. I just him miss so much so much so much! A lot… I don’t why.

I ever think of giving him another chance but I think it won’t work out. Anything can change but Habit never change. He is a joker and a liar while I am a serious person. Things won’t work out. I gave him so many chances but he just takes them for granted. ALL. “I am sorry”, I hear it so many times. Before, I thought he would mean what he said. After all, I realised they are just words. He did wrong things followed by many apologise. He did that repeatedly.

Many people, in fact everyone who know about us, advised not to repeat the history. I was firm at first upon hearing them but when night falls, when I was alone, when I was doing nothing, when I saw couples, this person fill my mind. Those memories recalled in my mind suddenly. I always comfort myself that I will get better in time; I will be fine if he stop contacting me. I msged him to stop bothering me.

But that couldn’t help! I miss him more. :’(

I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes. I miss his voice. I miss his hug. I miss him kissing my cheek. I miss him playing dota in my room. I miss him signing on all my exam notes. I miss him leaving a note on my magnet board. I miss him visiting me after school. I miss going to city hall with him. I miss having pizza hut with him. I miss him holding my hands introducing to his all friends that I am his girlfriend. I miss chatting on phone with him. I miss going sentosa with him. I miss taking MRT with him. I miss saving money into fei fei with him. I miss watching movie with him. I miss him carrying me. I miss him sheltering me when rain. I miss him protecting me. I miss us taking pictures. I miss him cooking noodles for me. I miss him rushing to buy me slipper when I say my toes pain. I miss seating outside toast box watching him working. I miss us quarrelling. I miss us going to plaza sing. I miss me travelled from sengkang to yew tee to see him. I miss us having Mac together. I miss him buying my Kong Fu Panda for me. I miss him treating me. I miss celebrating Valentine Day with him. I miss celebrating his birthday with him. I miss him cradle me at Merlion Park. I miss chatting phone with him every time he knock off. I miss myself updating our dairy. I miss him found me at National Library that day. I miss him telling me his story. I miss him. I miss him. I miss us at Foundation of "Our Love". I miss him. I miss. I miss. I miss. I miss everything!

Burger, I love you with all my true heart.
Burger, I miss you every minute, every second.
Burger, I willing to sacrifice all my youth to change you.
Burger, I willing to wait for you when you are away.
Burger, I willing to be your lover.

I called Burger, wanting to hear his voice. He apologised again. My heart melts. Tears start to scroll down my face. I hang up.

I was confused about my decision. Everyone is telling me not to go back. When I think of those days; the betray and the wrong doings, I tell myself, I should not go back. I kept telling myself, without him, I still am myself.

There’s no turning back anymore. I did that much to cut the relation. Cut the relation with his friends, cut the relation with his dad, cut the relation with people around him.

I keep telling myself. This is part and parcel of life. Face it although it’s hard.

For once, I lost my most loved person. I took years to get better, and she still lives in my heart no matter what happens, mum.

Now, I choose to lose him. I will do the same. He is not my Mr. Right. I am not his Ms. Right.

Me: Choose friend or me.
Burger: Can I have both please? I don’t want to lose my friend. I don’t want to lose you too.

Burger: Choose friend or me.
Me: Friend. I don’t put love before friends.

Perhaps, you shouldn’t ask me that question as I have told you before; I won’t sacrifice my friends for anything. But you just forgotten and asked me again on that day. I showed you my answer instead of telling you.

A liar always a liar. A joker always a joker.

hmm... just keep thinking... he is bad for me. horribly bad.